Readers Blog

Optimus Prime

Posted on: May 20, 2008

Ten feet above my last peice, I wedged my weary carcass in a left leaning airy chimney and looked for a place to die. It seemed as if any moment the bombay doors of the Enola Gay would open and drop my lifeless, tachycardic, oxygen deprived body back to dusty earth. I struggled to find purchase. I struggled to breath. I choked back the urge to vomit the 12 pack of High Life I'd consumed only hours prior the night before. A zen like state came over me......hypoxia perhaps? Maybe this is what it's like crossing over to the "other side". Just as the bright light beckoned me closer, the shouts and pity for my safety startled me from a dream like state. Surprisingly, my vitals signs appeared to be returning to a somewhat normal state. Fumbling akwardly, I realized it was time to get some gear in. After a clumsy game of charrades and a near dropped cam, I managed to place a less than optimal #2 Link cam above my head in a flaring shallow slot. With psychological pro in place, and a feeling of sinking despair, I set off into the wild blue yonder in search of gold. After an akward groveling mantle, the nausea returned stronger then ever, and the 8 inch ledge I was standing on seemed like the most appropriate place to unload last nights sinful spirits. With a solid left hand in a deep horizontal, I prepared for the enevitable. With fake tooth in right hand and properly balanced,the barbaric nature of my act became evident to anyone at the crag not already aware of my comical situation. I felt like a new man.....a worn out, exhausted, hung over man nontheless. The crux below me, and with hightened fervor, I set my eyes on the last 20ft. of southern sandstone between me and the top. The climbing was fun again. Positive holds and great exposure, I traversed up and right, placed a piece, then flopped my sick ass onto the tiny flat summit. Cheers and applause from below were dulled by the rythmic drumming of all my major organs. I was elated, the view amazing, and sense of accopmlishment fantastic. Little did I realize, the epic was not over just yet. I rigged for the rappel, tossed the rope, and looked forward to terra firma. About 15 ft. into the rappel, I felt the unmistakable sting and sudden hair raising pain that can only be produced by a stinger-equipped insect with a grudge. Soon his whole gang was joining in the fight like a well trained battalion of infantrymen. The pain and panic of the issue manifested itslef into violent outbursts of crude language and inaudible moans of agony. Swinging frantically and listing side to side trying to defend myself, I decided that a hasty descent was paramount. My belay device nearly melted my fingerprints, but i was back on Earth. Smiling wildly, and strangely enough, craving a beer, I sat down and tried to comprehend the events that had just transpired. A dream became reality. Reality,..a hazy dream.